Return Zero

Update

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 18:33:55 GMT

I am headed to Seattle! Yay! A winter break, as in break from winter! I am so excited, I have to go there to get my visa updated for my trip abroad in April! I will be hanging with my peeps, I am going to be there for a week, it should be a lot of fun, I need a pick me up this time of year.

That is the mostest on my brain, January flew by without me hardly noticing. After New Years not much happened, we had two more UW students as guests in the home, I helped some new pals move on Saturday and the adviser move on Sunday (no one has a car here!). Due to the good Karma bank, scored some fine furniture, barely had room for it all, but now the office has a whole wall of bookcases just waiting to be filled. A huge chest of drawers and a smaller one to match, it is the same exact color of the other things around the house in wood, plus now I have a place to put all those clean clothes that were piling up on the bedroom floor!!

My poor brother and dad survived an insane ice storm and haven't had power for a while now.

Otherwise A (the gal who trained me for this job) had her baby and all went well (he is freaking adorable, and has her expressions)! Went to a wild Russian birthday party for some twin guys my age (one of them is who I helped move last Saturday), and everyone just wanted to know when I was gonna settle life down enough to have a baby. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *gasp cough wheeze*

Cheers!

X-Mas

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 19:37:46 GMT

We have a couple guests coming over for X-Mas dinner. I am making Cornish hens, mashed potatoes and gravy, cinder with pineapples, cherries, and oranges, pecan pie and pumpkin pie... I think that it is. One of our guests is bringing an eggplant dish, cheese snacks, a Russian winter salad, Russian tuna salad, and Russian crab salad, oh and some wine and a cake. Yum!

On Saturday we will all be going to the adviser’s house and I will be cooking Cornish hens, mashed potatoes and gravy, my mom’s TO DIE FOR stuffing, cranberry sauce, grilled carrot slivers, snap peas and cocktail onions, rolls, pecan and pumpkin pie, and I think that is everything. ;-) I am not sure if I am missing something, I don’t have my list in front of me, but it will be fun. I will try and eat responsibly but it is hard to think about that.

I need to focus my life, grad school will hopefully be starting soon and I need to get my study habits in order, I need to focus on working out, I need to practice my Russian, only a few months to our trip. I need to make a trip to Seattle sometime in the next couple months to get my Russian visa... yeah I am very twitchy. Sigh. I wish I weren’t alone here, I need someone NOT forgetful to do stuff with. Stupid Texas... so far away. :-(

Weather

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 19:48:41 GMT

I actually am ok, with limited wind, to -20C/-5F. Really ok, anything below that and it hurts to breathe, seriously, but down to that, I am ok.

Tuesday it was snowing like crazy in the evening. I had gone over to L&Z's house to see little K and just have tea and eat snacks with them. L is re-reading the Harry Potter books, I guess she only read the first two and wants to borrow the whole sequence. Anyway on my way home, the snow was landing on the windshield and it was just amazing. The big fluffy flakes would break into tiny, perfect, (5mm wide) snowflakes. These were master pieces. I mean usually the snowflakes I have seen before are kinda just crystal messes. I remember twice growing up seeing really pretty snowflakes, but ALL of the snow falling on Tuesday was amazing.

On my walk in to the house I caught a ton of them on my gloves. They were just more beautiful and complex than I can tell you. Just remarkable. I know if you ask me in a few months how I like the winter, my answer may be drastically different than what I am about to say, but after getting proper winter wear and these cute little things... I actually am enjoying the winter so far.

Yes, as I said... the insanity is settling in. Do you think I just froze my brain maybe?

Coldness...

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 20:07:13 GMT

My face froze on Saturday... I lost all feeling on one side and couldn't move my eyebrow, no joke.
On a "plus" note... I never thought I would say this, but after the weekend low of -35C/-31F, I have to admit: -12C/10F... not that bad. Not...that...bad...almost balmy. Yep. Insanity has set in.

Guests

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 05:28:40 GMT

So we have a couple of students from UW staying with us. It is nice to have company, but it was hilarious that in the cold office, the kitten wanted to snuggle (of course you big, ugly, stupid mobile heaters with properly sized shelves for sleeping on) and forgot we have guests in his nap.   When J came from the living room suddenly the kitten nearly had a coronary complication.

I had my visiting prof today who is thinking of coming to work with us, and the one who has woman issues came and stole him TWICE during my meeting with him and said MY meeting wasn't important. I hope he realized another time and place I would have straightened him out agressively. Sorry... yes he irritated me that much today.

Well the visiting doc seems really nice and we worked a lot out before hand and I will see him a lot over the next couple days. I am excited!    It will be work, but it is really fun.

I put a really pretty wreath I made on the door and some big bells. I plan to put up the x-mas tree soon and then invite LS over (well already have) to help decorate it, she is so nice and I am happy to have some company during it. The DRCB is heading out to a conference on Friday with the UW students so ... no fun to decorate alone, right?

I wish I was a kid again sometimes. *sigh* I miss how my family used to be then... well sometimes I wonder if I remember it differently than it was actually, under the surface. Well... It is snowing for days... frozen totally now. So pretty. Just two more days to snow tires.

Freaking cold!

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 17:46:03 GMT

It’s been overcast for a week, I would blame being down on the weather if I had no other reason to be blue. I have come to discover that you can’t rely on time to change the way you feel, cause time it often loses track of who its got to heal. My mind is living in the shadow you left behind, everything is disjointed. Then something delightful brings me back to the here and now like 8. It is freaky, you’d have had to have been there. Who would have thought? I love my crazy sis spacebee so much, she always makes me laugh again. ;-)

Today was a long day at work. I got so much crap done, it is amazing. I submitted my first grant proposal!!! I am so happy! Woot, I am so excited, we will not know if it gets approved until February and it was only for $25,000, but I am still happy.

I have to get snow tires and extra-cold resistant fluids for the car this coming week, and human gear for ourselves soon also. My work shoes are NOT cut out for snow and slush. So it is coats, proper windproof gloves, and boots for Christmas this year!

Oh and my next big project is to post a whole new stash of photos from the last while that I have just been allowing to sit there not being looked at.

Cheers, everyone!

I'm Baaaaaaaaack!

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 22:32:58 GMT

...after a one year hiatus!

Through a pale door...

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 06:43:59 GMT

"Welcome my dear please take my hand
It's wonderful here it's really quite grand
The moment still, await the hour
The Masquerade for Time's dead flowers

Oh dancing and reeling
We move beneath shadows
We've hung from the ceiling
All memory receding
Take leave of all reason
In step with the bleeding

Chapter & Verse the lyric takes flight
Red is the day as red is the night
The hours pass, the years expire
The dance goes on, we spin on fire

Shadows now descending
To join in the Madness
The song never-ending
Wounds never mending
Wretched in countenance
The fear now transcending

All laughing and screaming
A wide-awake nightmare
Diseased and believing
In mourning-deceiving
Ever in motion and ever in grieving"

...the door was not pale, it was black...

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 07:16:42 GMT

“If there was nothing that I could say

Turned your back and you just fade away

It leaves me numb inside to think of you

Together is all I knew...

Life moves so fast, and I saw no signs,

I wish I could turn back hands of Time

Then look to you for a reason – Why?

How could the love we had let you die?

And as the sun would set, you would rise

Fall from this world into Paradise...

Is there no life in your heart to be?

You’ve closed your eyes, you no longer see

There were no lies between me and you

Yet you said nothing of what you’d do

There was still something in your eyes

Left me helpless and paralyzed...

I could give a million reasons

I could try to change the world, change the time

But it would not give me the secrets

Of your heart and of your mind

In the darkness that surrounds me now

There is no peace of mind

Your careless act undoes me now

Leaves all hope I had behind”

Health Rant

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 23:19:36 GMT

I just don't get this, since about the end of November last year (minus a few weeks here and there due to dire circumstances) I have been unwaveringly building my diet around the food pyramid and American Heart Association guidelines, especially focusing in on the “super-foods” or anti-cancer rainbow of veggies and fruit... there is not one non-whole grain carbohydrate in our house, in addition to trying to down at least four glasses of water I drink ~32oz of green tea daily, and get all my calcium. After taking the afore mentioned information into account I would like to present a few key exhibits in an attempt to clear up a little mystery.

Exhibit 1: My daily supplements, taken religiously, notice the flaxseed oil and fish oil.

Exhibit 2: My breakfast, exactly, every single day (except the very occasional weekend oatmeal & fruit, whole wheat buttermilk pancakes, or whole wheat toast and eggs) – 3/4cup mix of two whole grain, low fat, low sugar, high fiber cereals, a 4oz banana, 1cup fat free milk, and a cup of coffee black or with fat free milk.

Exhibit 3: My lunch consists of a whole wheat pita sandwich with either turkey, sharp cheddar cheese and spinach or tuna salad (made with fat free plain yogurt instead of mayo) without cheese, a cup of fruit salad (strawberries, red grapes, honeydew melon, kiwi, peaches, pineapple, and oranges all tossed in grapefruit juice), followed by a mid-afternoon snack of fat-free, no sugar added fruit yogurt (6oz).

Exhibit 4: My supper consists of a lean meat or vegetable main dish selected from the American Heart Association cookbook (meaning low fat, low salt). For example lean free-range vegetarian fed chicken breasts roasted in a bottle of beer (thanks to chainrule ;-) ) with peppers, pearl onions, mushrooms, peas, corn, carrots, garlic and fresh oregano accompanied by a whole grain carbohydrate (whole wheat pasta, brown rice, barley or in this case buckwheat). On the side every day I have about 1.75cups of salad (broccoli, tomatoes, cucumbers, avocado, radishes, red and yellow peppers, chopped hard boiled egg whites, sunflower seeds, and carrots tossed in balsamic vinegar). And of course dessert: say a slice of low-fat double chocolate cheese cake topped with a strawberry and more chocolate.

I know this sounds insane, but I honestly painstakingly spend the better part of every Sunday preparing these meals from scratch in bulk for a week of easy assembly and re-heat. All of the above runs between 1300-1500 calories, 25-35grams of fat, and 28-34grams of fiber per day. Here is the kicker: my cholesterol level this May (yeah I have been fuming over this for two months) was within one point of “borderline high” range. I am at the top end of the healthy weight range (per the CDC) for my height, but I am not yet in the “overweight” range, so WTF??? My PCP was just at a loss after we went over my diet as to what I should do, saying all she could think is that it was probably stress related (had I been under any unusual stress lately? who ME??) and said all she had left to suggest is for me to up the workouts and take up some relaxation activity like yoga or meditation. *heavy sigh* Oh well, who couldn’t use a little upping of the workouts anyway?

The only consolation I found in all this is that who knows what my cholesterol used to be when I was at NMT and never ate breakfast, dined on chips, pizza, fried chicken, green chile cheese fries, coffee, beer and vodka?... I mean damn, maybe everyone my age should get their cholesterol checked!

Neapolitan Boobies

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 19:50:26 GMT

Two Scoops Please!

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 04:55:28 GMT

So today I cleaned my bathroom like you wouldn't believe a bathroom can be cleaned. I washed clothes, cleaned my awesome fish-tank, make guacamole, washed dishes, ironed my uniforms, and vacuumed all so I could work on my dress tomorrow without guilt.

My good friend Petra is coming in to visit and I haven't seen her in almost two years I am SOOOO excited. She has to be one of my most fun, just a blast to be around, pals and I missed her so much. A little taste of home I guess you could say.

I got some of those things you put in fish tanks that get soft in water then the fish can bite at them, but I discovered they are made of plaster with shrimps and stuff inside, I was like doesn't the plaster hurt the fish and how about the water quality? Well they say it doesn't, but I ended up buying a different kind that is just a highly compressed lump of food with no additives that softens slowing for biting with the same idea, only no plaster. WTF? Plaster insides fishies.

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 06:31:42 GMT

“I cry when angels deserve to die.”

(Trust in my self righteous suicide...)

...no...

(Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit...)

No!

(Father, into your hands...)

“Why have you forsaken me?
  In your eyes,
  Forsaken me,
  In your thoughts,
Forsaken me,
In your heart,
FORSAKEN
ME!”

Why?
Why have you forsaken me?

Purple...

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 05:20:00 GMT

I have so many new tasks at work now, I realized I need to organize my “flow.” I decided to get a date book that I can easily spread out on a surface and see it with lots of space to write my daily task list to check off. I went to Barns and Noble on my lunch break and they had one stand left with super discounted calendars and date books. They had a variety of horrid things that no one in their right mind would want to look at daily, I finally found a slightly less offensive smiley face one that you could lay flat and thusly the cover image didn’t matter anymore. As I was walking away from the stand, a book store lackey informed me there where a few nicer 18mo date books over by the cards, but that they where equally picked over.

They where. But they had a stack of nice black ones, they had leather covers, as I thumbed through them to find one that was not scratched I found the gem of the lot.

It was the last one like it: purple. Texture printed soft leather... I opened it. It was perfect. Inside, lots of lines under each day, it was one of those delicious old fashioned ones with sections and lists of holidays, zodiac signs, time zones, world maps, hotel lists, birthday logs, common measurement conversion charts, and so on in the back and through out.

It was just for you, just the kind you would take and fondle in your hand. I could see you there, and I touched it just as I remembered seeing you do it so many times to so many books. Running your hand across the spine, then flipping it to lay flat in your palm, fingering page after page with love and delight.

I saw you smiling and just telling me, whispering in my ear that you just loved it, that you needed one just like it and were looking for one, but hadn’t found it until now. Reassuring me that you liked the frog one I gave you at Christmas, of course, but that THIS one had so much character. And it was purple, just your shade, it was academic, distinguished and cultured.

I saw you in my mind touching it, holding it, smiling. I bought it and brought it home so no one else could have it, it was the last one, and like my last chance, it too is now gone.

I stared at it all evening, wondering... if I could have given it to you, what would you have written in it?

"She walks in beauty.."

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 05:54:14 GMT

Today the sky was blue, bright and sunny. I drove in the sun, the bright star-shine, but it’s just old light.

"Yay though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death..."

No, it was grey, today the sky was grey, dark and sad. What was I thinking? It cried, it wept all day. It all looks so different now, everything, life... or the lack there of.

The sky, the heavens wept for an angel. They know. No one else does, but they know. Grey, every day.

The sun is just a distant memory, a dream from some time ago that I can’t quite make real, Dark City... do YOU remember the sun, do you remember when you saw it last?

Blue is for down, blue is the sad little feeling we all get when things don’t go right, when we are lonely, when it rains too long, when we have a bad day, or hear a sad song... blue.

Grey is for emptiness, grey is a void in life that is too large to ignore or cover, a gaping wound that never heals. Every day is grey now. I don’t remember the last time I was blue. How does it feel for those of you, who can still remember blue?

To rain in the desert is to rejoice, to burst fourth with life and scents. One can almost hear the plants and earth exuberantly praising the sky for the gift. I always loved the rain, always. It washes free one’s very soul.

Today, yesterday, Monday, last week... it didn't rain, rather the sky wept, long, gentle, grey tears. It weeps endlessly now, the flowers are hushed and the leaves are still. It is almost as if the whole of Nature hangs her head to weep with us.

I see you everywhere I go. I see you, and my heart stops, my mind races and I frantically dash to meet you, to hold you... only to find you’ve disappeared. I’ve tried so hard to accept that you’re gone, that I am alone.

"I thought I knew the girl so well,
If she was sad, I couldn't tell,
I missed the point, I missed the signs,
So if she's gone, the fault is mine...
I know a whole lot of little things,
But even though I could list them one by one,
She would still be gone."

Your voice and smiling eyes are in front of my mind at all times, no matter how I press them back. Anger, frustration, blame, grief, and betrayal. None are weapons nor shields strong enough to keep you at bay. I see you everywhere, I feel your hand gently on my head, petting me the way you always used to. I can see you beyond the blur of my tears, concern on your silent face as you pet me gently and as I weep in the darkened room. So do the heavens, they weep for us all, for our loss, but mostly they cry for you, just as I do.

I cry out for you in the night, sweat soaked and trembling. (Has no one told you she’s not breathing anymore?) It must be a bad dream, I will wake. (Don’t cry, I'll keep you safe here in my mind.) The realization hits me, over and over and over and over, like cold steel trough my heart. I’m not sleeping, I am awake.

I cry out for you again. Hear me. Please...

Prayer

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 02:47:08 GMT

"Ah, my Beloved, fill in me the cup that clears,
Today of past regrets and future fears,
Tomorrow! Why tomorrow I may be,
My self again with yesterday seven thousand years away."
- Omar

Oy!

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 01:41:50 GMT

I feel sooo stuffed!

Per chainrule's suggestion I made for supper This Stuffed Salmon dish. It was just wonderful, along with a glass of wine and some fresh, steamed broccoli. Yum. Of course it was really rich and now I feel totally fat and full to the top.

Usually salmon is a little too fishy for my taste but with the called for herbs (and I also added some extras to this) and the bed of pasta out weigh the hefty flavor.

After we allowed our delighted tummies to settle for a little bit, we had some fresh kiwi fruits and strawberries topped with some whipped yogurt and roasted oats. The bottle of very dry white wine went wonderfully with the fish baking and along with the desert. Gotta try it, too rich for every day, but wonderful for special once-in-a-while times.

Random Thought of the Day

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 00:27:02 GMT

An overweight woman says to her liposuction doctor at the consultation, "I want my old body back!"
Surgeon replies without skipping a beat, "And which half would that be, dear?"

– Thanks to the “unavoidable delay” of teeth brushing.

Random Thought Of The Day

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 00:33:16 GMT

"I feel salty much more than I feel sweet."

Birthday

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 20:38:23 GMT

This is what a devastated little sister who’s second eldest, big brother didn’t even wish her a happy 25th birthday, looks like.

Thinking about sex?

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 21:06:19 GMT

Today I was trying to update all my Quicken files and of course it was very overdue. Needless to say, after I finished my mind was juggling figures and dollar signs, making rough calculations about what bills would eat up my next two paychecks and so on. Meanwhile I decided to put a reminder in my cell phone organizer about paying our electric and water bills next month, as I text-ed in the words my mind wandered off after as my fingers punched in the little keys. What I meant to write was: “pay elec and H2O” but somehow in place of the words “pay” and “and” I typed “sex”. It took me a second to realize what my subconscious had provoked my fingers to do, and I have to say it rather surprised me, but then again maybe it shouldn’t have. ;-)

Dreams

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 04:38:00 GMT

Hey just as an after thought, for those of you who like really F@#$ED up and bizarre things, I have started recording my dreams again. Women last night were screaming about ripping some things out of someone to "bloody eternal virgins" whatever that means. I just remember the voice and those last three words as I stumbled to the toilet. I was too tired and too sick to write it down while it was fresh, but somehow J.R.R. Martin mingled with WOW and the little freakiness that is in my brain - well ... you will see.

On Illness and Religion

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 03:11:40 GMT

Ug I feel like crap. My coworker was sick all week, right, I didn’t get even a sniffle, so I thought I must be immune since I hadn’t gotten sick the last time he had succumbed. Ha... so guess what I did, me and my big brain, I got my flu shot on Monday, great idea right? Well I got sick that evening, and I am sure it was a kick in the teeth of MY immune system to have to choke down BOTH the “faux” flu attack and the horrid little "other/misc" virus.

My boss’s wife sent me home from work today, and after 9 months of service, never being so much as 3mins late, and never missing a day, my boss was pissed that I went home after oozing germs, hacking, sneezing, and suffocating in my own phlegm all morning. What a mean ole bastard Dr. Roth is.

F’em. A little caffeine, the guilt over which I drown in tea as I hear my mother’s voice harping of hydration in the back of my mind, a couple IBs, cute little cure-all pills and my head is clear enough to don a pair of noise canceling headphones. Heavy decibels are playing on my ears, vibrating me from my head to the floor as the black encroaches back in an attempt to save my conscience from the haze of fevers. Reading comments and cartoons that make me laugh, make me rage, and deeply disturb me. Sing, mon, sing louder, drown out those crazy mo-fos with your bells from hell. Ring them on for me, one more time please.

Weekend

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 03:31:42 GMT

Got some tasty new tea today, it was lovely, bra-vo.

I went to a lecture this week on mathematical symmetry in regards to our lives from mate selection to Bach and Mozart. It was amazingly interesting, and the man who gave it Mario Livio was just wonderfully engaging. He is a physicist, but his talk was given at the level any reasonable educated person could understand. A lot of psychology, another passion of mine, and I just was reminded how beautiful a face you can make with morphing x 32.

The campus holds so many beautiful buildings. Some new some old, but all done in great style. It seems rather odd to say, but if they are haunted by spirits of the days past, for sure it would be on the outside and no in. Inside they are halls and doors like any others, but on the outside they are honed stone and carved marble, old dead faces staring down, monsters watching, and long alleys of ancient brick whispering secrets of a thousand things they have heard to the autumn wind.

I'm in love with their grey edges every one.

The breath taking color drown out the damp and cold these last days before the grey dominates. "Winter is coming." So the Starks say, and it is, another long, cold, grey winter. Thankfully my apartment is the loveliest, warmest place.

And tidings bode well, a long overdue talk I had today with my dear brother, and last week my dear friend April, how nice it is to get in touch with people who make such wonderful company and just talking with brightens my day and my smile. Cheers to good friends and family.

I am so happy for them all, life is rough around the edges in these times of war, energy crisis, and trouble in general, yet somewhere a little rainbow dances across my room through the prisms I hang to catch it, even if it is only during the one hour of light we have breaking through the looming cold clouds, it is enough to remember there is still beauty to be seen. Like the blaring bright colors of Fall. I was born in the right season I am sure of it.

April Showers

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 19:39:25 GMT

There is a dark and beautiful woman in my life. A pixie fairy with black locks and sparkling eyes. She always seems to fade into the background when unprovoked. I reached out for her finally, afraid she'd faded for good like so many others before her, then she danced back into my view, smiling, sweet, dazzling.

In her arms she cradled a babe. It had her round happy cheeks. Sweet little thing. As I watched her rock him in her arms, she began to change, her colors going from real to bright and blocky, like a comic drawing.

She sat on the edge of a crescent moon and as she looked up to a bright star her baby leapt from her arms and transformed while falling to a silken banner baring his name. It floated down to wave just below the moon and froze still as a photo for all to see... clearly.

Isaac