Log in

Through a pale door...

"Welcome my dear please take my hand
 It's wonderful here it's really quite grand
 The moment still, await the hour
 The Masquerade for Time's dead flowers 

 Oh dancing and reeling
 We move beneath shadows
 We've hung from the ceiling
 All memory receding
 Take leave of all reason
 In step with the bleeding 

 Chapter & Verse the lyric takes flight
 Red is the day as red is the night
 The hours pass, the years expire
 The dance goes on, we spin on fire

 Shadows now descending
 To join in the Madness
 The song never-ending
 Wounds never mending
 Wretched in countenance
The fear now transcending

 All laughing and screaming
 A wide-awake nightmare
 Diseased and believing
 In mourning-deceiving
 Ever in motion and ever in grieving"

...the door was not pale, it was black...

I see you everywhere...

"I see you standing in the alleys and the hallways
Wait a second, you're gone now
I run to touch you but you vanish through the doorway
And oh how
Hard it is to live without you
I love everything about you
Now I know you're really gone
But my imagination is so strong
That I see you coming into view
And your face is telling me that you
Oh yeah you, want to be by my side
Oh you know, now it's finally time
Wait a second
Mirage, that's all you are to me
Mirage, something only I see
So I keep walking through the alleys and the hallways
Where we were together, where are you?
I keep remembering the giggling in the doorways
Sleeping in the sun, in the car too
How it all comes back to me
The movies every Saturday
The place we used to go to eat
I want so much to have it like it used to be
That I see you coming into view
And your face is telling me that you
Oh yeah you, want to be by my side
Now I know it's finally time..."


Missing you...

"And I am cool
Cool as the deep blue ocean
I am lost
So I am cruel
But I´d be love and sweetness
If I had you
I´m waiting, I´m waiting for you
I´m waiting, I´m waiting for you
I am weak
But I am strong
I can use my tears to
Bring you home
I´m aching, I´m aching for you
I´m aching, I´m aching for you
I´m waiting
I´m waiting
I´m waiting
I´m waiting
...for you..."


Jul. 26th, 2007

“If there was nothing that I could say

 Turned your back and you just fade away

 It leaves me numb inside to think of you

 Together is all I knew...

 Life moves so fast, and I saw no signs,

 I wish I could turn back hands of Time

 Then look to you for a reason – Why?

 How could the love we had let you die?


And as the sun would set, you would rise

 Fall from this world into Paradise...

 Is there no life in your heart to be?

 You’ve closed your eyes, you no longer see

 There were no lies between me and you

 Yet you said nothing of what you’d do

 There was still something in your eyes

 Left me helpless and paralyzed...

 I could give a million reasons

 I could try to change the world, change the time

 But it would not give me the secrets

 Of your heart and of your mind

 In the darkness that surrounds me now

 There is no peace of mind

Your careless act undoes me now

Leaves all hope I had behind


Health Rant

I just don't get this, since about the end of November last year (minus a few weeks here and there due to dire circumstances) I have been unwaveringly building my diet around the food pyramid and American Heart Association guidelines, especially focusing in on the “super-foods” or anti-cancer rainbow of veggies and fruit... there is not one non-whole grain carbohydrate in our house, in addition to trying to down at least four glasses of water I drink ~32oz of green tea daily, and get all my calcium. After taking the afore mentioned information into account I would like to present a few key exhibits in an attempt to clear up a little mystery.

Exhibit 1: My daily supplements, taken religiously, notice the flaxseed oil and fish oil.

Neapolitan Boobies

Two Scoops Please!

So today I cleaned my bathroom like you wouldn't believe a bathroom can be cleaned. I washed clothes, cleaned my awesome fish-tank, make guacamole, washed dishes, ironed my uniforms, and vacuumed all so I could work on my dress tomorrow without guilt.

My good friend Petra is coming in to visit and I haven't seen her in almost two years I am SOOOO excited. She has to be one of my most fun, just a blast to be around, pals and I missed her so much. A little taste of home I guess you could say.

I got some of those things you put in fish tanks that get soft in water then the fish can bite at them, but I discovered they are made of plaster with shrimps and stuff inside, I was like doesn't the plaster hurt the fish and how about the water quality? Well they say it doesn't, but I ended up buying a different kind that is just a highly compressed lump of food with no additives that softens slowing for biting with the same idea, only no plaster. WTF? Plaster insides fishies.

Apr. 5th, 2007

“I cry when angels deserve to die.”

(Trust in my self righteous suicide...)


(Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit...)


(Father, into your hands...)

“Why have you forsaken me?
  In your eyes,
  Forsaken me,
  In your thoughts,
  Forsaken me,
  In your heart,

Why have you forsaken me?


I have so many new tasks at work now, I realized I need to organize my “flow.”  I decided to get a date book that I can easily spread out on a surface and see it with lots of space to write my daily task list to check off.  I went to Barns and Noble on my lunch break and they had one stand left with super discounted calendars and date books.  They had a variety of horrid things that no one in their right mind would want to look at daily, I finally found a slightly less offensive smiley face one that you could lay flat and thusly the cover image didn’t matter anymore.  As I was walking away from the stand, a book store lackey informed me there where a few nicer 18mo date books over by the cards, but that they where equally picked over.

They where.  But they had a stack of nice black ones, they had leather covers, as I thumbed through them to find one that was not scratched I found the gem of the lot. 

It was the last one like it: purple.  Texture printed soft leather... I opened it.  It was perfect.  Inside, lots of lines under each day, it was one of those delicious old fashioned ones with sections and lists of holidays, zodiac signs, time zones, world maps, hotel lists, birthday logs, common measurement conversion charts, and so on in the back and through out.

It was just for you, just the kind you would take and fondle in your hand.  I could see you there, and I touched it just as I remembered seeing you do it so many times to so many books.  Running your hand across the spine, then flipping it to lay flat in your palm, fingering page after page with love and delight. 

I saw you smiling and just telling me, whispering in my ear that you just loved it, that you needed one just like it and were looking for one, but hadn’t found it until now.  Reassuring me that you liked the frog one I gave you at Christmas, of course, but that THIS one had so much character.  And it was purple, just your shade, it was academic, distinguished and cultured. 

I saw you in my mind touching it, holding it, smiling.  I bought it and brought it home so no one else could have it, it was the last one, and like my last chance, it too is now gone. 

I stared at it all evening, wondering... if I could have given it to you, what would you have written in it?


"She walks in beauty.."

Today the sky was blue, bright and sunny.  I drove in the sun, the bright star-shine, but it’s just old light. 

"Yay though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death..."

No, it was grey, today the sky was grey, dark and sad.  What was I thinking?  It cried, it wept all day.  It all looks so different now, everything, life... or the lack there of.

The sky, the heavens wept for an angel.  They know.  No one else does, but they know.  Grey, every day.

The sun is just a distant memory, a dream from some time ago that I can’t quite make real, Dark City... do YOU remember the sun, do you remember when you saw it last?

Blue is for down, blue is the sad little feeling we all get when things don’t go right, when we are lonely, when it rains too long, when we have a bad day, or hear a sad song... blue.

Grey is for emptiness, grey is a void in life that is too large to ignore or cover, a gaping wound that never heals.  Every day is grey now.  I don’t remember the last time I was blue.  How does it feel for those of you, who can still remember blue?

To rain in the desert is to rejoice, to burst fourth with life and scents.  One can almost hear the plants and earth exuberantly praising the sky for the gift.  I always loved the rain, always.  It washes free one’s very soul. 

Today, yesterday, Monday, last week... it didn't rain, rather the sky wept, long, gentle, grey tears.  It weeps endlessly now, the flowers are hushed and the leaves are still.  It is almost as if the whole of Nature hangs her head to weep with us.  

I see you everywhere I go.  I see you, and my heart stops, my mind races and I frantically dash to meet you, to hold you... only to find you’ve disappeared.  I’ve tried so hard to accept that you’re gone, that I am alone.

"I thought I knew the girl so well,
 If she was sad, I couldn't tell,
 I missed the point, I missed the signs,
 So if she's gone, the fault is mine...
 I know a whole lot of little things,
 But even though I could list them one by one,
 She would still be gone."

Your voice and smiling eyes are in front of my mind at all times, no matter how I press them back.  Anger, frustration, blame, grief, and betrayal.  None are weapons nor shields strong enough to keep you at bay.  I see you everywhere, I feel your hand gently on my head, petting me the way you always used to.  I can see you beyond the blur of my tears, concern on your silent face as you pet me gently and as I weep in the darkened room.  So do the heavens, they weep for us all, for our loss, but mostly they cry for you, just as I do.

I cry out for you in the night, sweat soaked and trembling.  (Has no one told you she’s not breathing anymore?)  It must be a bad dream, I will wake.  (Don’t cry, I'll keep you safe here in my mind.)  The realization hits me, over and over and over and over, like cold steel trough my heart.  I’m not sleeping, I am awake.

I cry out for you again.  Hear me.  Please...